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Happy Moment Turned Sad

November 11, 2009 on 12:40 pm | In Life | 5 Comments

I had something terrible happen today. Well… it was actually supposed to be something fantastic, but given the circumstances in my life at the moment, it’s terrible.

My first-ever NY published book came in the mail. I got to hold HALF PAST DEAD in my hands. Not the ARCs. The real book.

As the visiting nurse was leaving, she and I found the box on the doorstep. I opened the box and what should’ve been a celebratory moment in my life turned into one of extreme sadness. I cried. Not happily. When I should’ve been happy dancing, I was instead thinking of all the plans I’d had to celebrate my first “real” book – one that didn’t come out in ebook first. Plans that may never see fruition now that my Mom is so ill.

She has stage 4 lung cancer. She is a non-smoker so we have no idea how this happened to her. She is on chemo and I can’t be sure that her scary condition now – not eating, sleeping all the time, muscle aches all over and needing a walker and an oxygen line just to get to the bathroom - is only the side effects of chemo, or if she’s going downhill fast from the cancer. Please, God, let it just be the chemo.

(I detailed the journey we’ve taken to get to this point in my most recent newsletter, if you’re interested in how I got here.)

I told Mom that I’d wanted to celebrate my book with a celebratory dinner out, but of course that’s out of the question right now. I told her I wanted a rain check. When she’s better, I want to take her to that dinner and celebrate. I just hope and pray that God lets us get to that point. Please pray if you’re so inclined. Thanks.

And the Wheel Turns…

October 31, 2009 on 11:59 pm | In Life | 4 Comments

Happy Halloween. Blessed Samhain. Happy New Year and all that good stuff. As I write this, it is approaching midnight here on the East Coast of the United States. Another year cycle coming to an end, and the Wheel turns.

My personal belief system is complex and many faceted. I have a great deal of respect for the traditions of the past and I think there’s a lot our modern religions owe to those that came before. I like the idea of the Wheel of the year with the various parts watched over by the three aspects of the goddess – Maiden, Mother and Crone. We’re passing out of the Mother’s influence as harvest comes to an end and Winter begins – the time of the Crone. But then it won’t be long before the Maiden shows her sunny face in the Spring. My favorite time of year.

I usually enjoy Halloween, but this year, as you may know, I’m dealing with family tragedy in the making. My Mom fell ill at the end of August and by the end of September, we were told it was an advanced stage of lung cancer. She’s not a smoker, and usually very active, so this took us by surprise to say the least. It’s been a shock and a time of turmoil for my Dad and me. He’s eight years older than she is, so we always just assumed that if/when they were to die, he’d go first. Now it looks like that may not be the case and he and I are both lost. Confused, grieving in anticipation of something we don’t know how to deal with and completely lost as we try to look after her.

She’s going through chemotherapy now and I’m having a difficult time dealing with the side effects. She’s not eating and I take it as a personal failure on my part. I’m not a good cook. I’ve never been “domestic.” I was the youngest of her two children (my brother is not involved with the family much and lives 3000 miles away). I never took care of anyone. I never even babysat. I’m single and have no children. So being on call 24/7 as her personal helper is something I’m ill prepared for, but cannot deny her. She’s my Mom. I’d walk through fire for her.

So I’m cooking, cleaning, have remodled part of my house to make a bedroom for her and basically being her cheerleader, coach, nurse, dietician, and all around Gal Friday. And doing my best not to lose it every few minutes. First, I’m scared. More afraid than I’ve ever been in my life. I can’t lose her. I’m not ready. She’s not ready. She has so much to live for. So much to enjoy in life. It’s not fair. Second, I’m ill prepared for the roles I’ve been forced into and feeling incredibly inadequate and guilty for things like her weight loss. If only I could find a way to make her eat more! If only I could cook something she’d actually eat. If only… If only… If only…

One of the worst side effects she’s experiencing is weakness in her muscles that makes it incredibly difficult to walk. She’s using a walker, but it’s pitiful to watch. She shakes so much in fear she’s going to fall and weakness in her leg. I want to cry but I also know she has to keep moving or she won’t be able to. Then I beging to second guess everything – is it a sign of deterioriation? Or is it just a side effect that will end when the chemo has done its job? Am I going to lose her even sooner? I’m so scared. I want to cry but I can’t really cry in front of her. Then I do and I feel guilty for letting her see me blubber and break down. It only makes things worse.

My plate is full. My mind races in a million directions and I can’t take much more. If you believe in such things, please say a prayer for my Mom. I’d like to think that the chemo is working and she’ll be with me for at least a few years to come. But I just don’t know. No one can say. Please pray for that outcome. I need her. I need her wisdom as I try to reassemble the broken pieces of my life. I can’t do it without her and I pray that I won’t have to. Just a little more time. A few more years. I need my Mom with me. Please.

So at this auspicious time – the turning of the year – the Eve of All Hallows and the beginning of the Feast of All Saints – that’s my dearest wish, my fondest desire, my most fervent prayer. If the lines between the realms are indeed blurred tonight, perhaps my prayer will be heard and answered.

Update

October 17, 2009 on 8:45 am | In Life | 4 Comments

I know my blog has been rather depressing lately but it’s a reflection of my life at this point. I’m taking care of my Mom 24/7 and I don’t begrudge her a second of my time. I only regret we didn’t do more together when she was still able to zip around and travel. Right now she’s on oxygen and therefore tethered to the machine they put in our home. So she’s limited to the first floor. We moved her into the family room, which we’re still converting into a bedroom for her, and eventually, my Dad as well. Looks like we’re all going to be living under 1 roof for the foreseeable future. I’m moving my bedroom downstairs as well, so I can be around when she needs me in the middle of the night.

Right now, I’m sleeping about 3 hours at a time on the couch that is still in the family room while we’re getting things moved around. There’s a big china cabinet that has to be packed up and taken out along with some other stuff. It’s definitely a work in progress. (Like I really need another task to add to my “to do” list.)

She started chemotherapy last week and is sleeping a lot right now, which they say is to be expected. I only pray the chemo drugs do the trick and halt the cancer in its tracks. I’d love to see some improvement in her condition so that she can travel again, but right now that’s totally out. Which means I’m not going anywhere either. So I had to miss Albacon a week or two ago and I won’t be able to make it to AAD either, even though I helped plan some of it. I’m bummed, but Mom has to come first. I don’t know how much longer she’ll be here and I don’t intend to miss a second of it.

Please say a prayer for her recovery if you’re so inclined and thank you for your good wishes and emotional support. It really means a lot.

Thanks

October 9, 2009 on 7:07 am | In Life | 4 Comments

I want to thank those of you who have reached out to me. I feel very isolated working from home and not having much contact with people outside the postman and the nurses who now come to the house to evaluate my Mom. It means a lot to know there are people out there who actually care what I have to say and are willing to at least lend a virtual “ear” – so to speak – when I begin to lose it, as I did the last time I posted here.

Thank you for putting up with me.

The future is beginning to take shape and it includes chemotherapy for my Mom and lots of work on my part to help make her life easier and more comfortable. It also includes a ton of worry and a painful dose of reality, I’m afraid. But I guess that’s life – nobody gets out alive.

Keep the prayers coming and you are all in my thoughts and prayers as well. It’s good to know I’m not completely alone, even if it is only virtually.

Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes

October 6, 2009 on 7:00 am | In Life | 10 Comments

Not sure if I should do this here… if you’re looking for a rah-rah post about an upcoming release or something, stop right here. I’ll get back to that at some point – I hope – but right now I’m just too depressed to do much of anything other than examine what’s going on in my world and how I can make it better. As some of you know by now, my mother was just diagnosed with cancer. It was totally out of the blue and utterly devestating.

She went from being very active (we’ve called her the Energizer Bunny for years) and working to nearly bedridden in less than 2 months. We’re looking forward to starting chemotherapy – maybe this week. Did you catch that? Looking forward to chemo? Dear God, how my world has changed in a few short weeks.

Only now do I realize I’ve been in a sort of semi-depressed state since somewhere around 2003. Let me go back a bit… In the Summer of 2001, I was an Assistant Vice President on Wall Street. I was making oodles of money and had the “dream” job I’d always wanted, but it was like that old saying: Be careful what you wish for. I hated that job and quit it roughly 2 weeks before 9/11. I’ve always thought God had a hand in the timing there. If my boss had wanted me to work out my 2 weeks notice, I probably would have been in my office, in the shadow of the Towers on 9/11. As it is, I wasn’t, and I’m forever grateful for that.

That’s not to say that 9/11 wasn’t traumatic. I had friends there. But that’s enough of that. To bring the story forward a little, let’s just say that my job situation cleared up the following week. My previous employer called me back to be a consultant. I did that for about 3 years until the consulting work dried up. During that time, I pocketed some money to finance my move to writing. After some fumbling – and a run-in with a bad ulcer – I managed to break into fiction in 2005 and was first published in 2006. I made next to no money for the first few years and lived off my savings, which grew perilously low.

I’m making more now, but nowhere near what I was making when I worked full-time. Still, I’ve been economizing and trying to stick with writing so I can spend as much time as possible with my aging parents. I love them. I get along with them. I have one other sibling who lives 3000 miles away and never visits. I’m their only moral support. I’m the only one they can depend on.

And increasingly, they’ve become the center of my universe.

Only now do I realize that I went from being an independent career woman with her own business, to some kind of old kid, reverting to a child-like existence where my parents are my best friends. While I’m glad I’m here to help, I now see that there must be something wrong with my life. And how selfish is that? That I’m weeping about my future when my mother is facing her own mortality and an uncertain lifespan.

Now that I look back on it, I’ve been overly emotional for the past few years. I burst into tears at the least provocation. I’ve been crying like… every day. Not since the news about the cancer. I’m talking since about 2003. Um… something is probably wrong with that.

When I would get choked up, I’d tell myself to knock it off and hide it. Now that I’m sitting with my Mom all day long everyday, I can’t hide it anymore. When I try to tell her why I’m crying - which has a lot to do with her illness, of course, though I don’t want her to know it – I realize I’m scared spitless about my future. Again… selfish. I shudder to think how horrible I am, but I can’t help it right now.

I think I’ve reverted to that pre-college stage where you’re not sure about your future and getting ready to leave the nest. Only this time, I don’t have that 20-year-old optimism about how bright my future is. No, now I’m 40 and realizing that I’ve wasted a good portion of my life chasing a business career I ultimately gave up. While getting a lot of edcuation and climbing that corporate ladder I missed out on dating, marrying, having kids… all that normal stuff. Basically, I’m alone. Well, I have my Mom and Dad, but for how much longer?

Then I cry, dreading a future alone. And I make my living now writing romance. Paradox, anyone?

I hope you don’t mind my blogging about this, but writing it out helps me figure out what’s going on in my head. I’ve had a rude awakening. I can’t hide the tears anymore. Now they’re mixed with tears for my Mom’s situation. I’ve got to work my way out of this emotional black hole, fighting gravity all the way.

I don’t know what to do.

Please Say a Prayer

September 30, 2009 on 6:00 am | In Life | 3 Comments

…if you’re so inclined, for my Mom. She’s having surgery today and they’re taking biopsies. A lot of you have met my Mom at conferences she’s been at with me. We’re very close and I honestly don’t know what I’ll do if she turns out to be sicker than we think.

So healing thoughts and prayers are more than welcome and much appreciated today and in the days to come. Thanks.

Copyedits Done

September 28, 2009 on 10:00 am | In Life, Writing | No Comments

Huzzah! The copyedits are done! Long live the copyedits!

Mass quantities of chocolate, pencil lead, and erasers were consumed, but they are done. Now I have to package them up and get to the post office to return them to my editor.

I had a neat moment while I worked on them. I’ve been sitting with my Mom as she tries her best to rest in preparation for her surgery. While sitting at the table working, she told me she remembered watching her uncle do the same when she was a child. I got a shiver down my spine. Let me explain why…

Her uncle was a famous poet  and writer, in his time. There are museum exhibits in Europe of his life and work to which my mother donated many papers, portraits and other materials, which passed to her after he died (well before I was born). He had no children and he loved her as if she were his own daughter. Part of the reason had to be because she looked a lot like his wife, who was my grandfather’s sister. He left his author’s rights to her in his will, which unfortunately were lost over time and the distance of an ocean.

Even though I never met him, I have heard stories about him my entire life. He’s been a huge influence on everything I’ve done in my life and I can truly say, he’s always been one of my heroes. The idea that I ended up doing something he also did — of course his work was on a much grander scale — touched me deeply. I doubt I’ll ever reach the level of success he did, but it’s comforting in an odd way to know a little of what he experienced in his work.

Begin As You Mean To Go On…

January 2, 2009 on 6:00 am | In Challenge, Life | 4 Comments

I have to admit, yesterday wasn’t a day where I concentrated much on either of my goals for this month, but it was probably one of the best starts to a new year I’ve ever had. Why? Simple. A friend of mine was in New York (she lives far away now) and we got together, had a great dinner and talked about “life, the universe and everything.”

This particular person and I have been friends for about 26 years. I think she’s the “oldest” friend I have at this point, whom I’m still in somewhat regular contact with. We don’t see each other often – maybe once a year or so – and we only talk on the phone every once in a while, but it doesn’t matter. We’re still as close now as we were in high school. And there are precious few people I can say that about nowadays.

So hanging out with my “old” friend was really special. If the rest of the year is as nice, I’m in for a great one!

But The Cheesecake Factory definitely didn’t help with my fitness goal and I didn’t write a single word on any of my WIPs. Oh, well… it was a holiday, right? So I can really get started today. Okay, I have my mission. We’ll see how I do.

I’m just thrilled so many of you want to join in this little informal challenge I’ve got going. If you’re coming to this late, don’t feel bad, you can join in the “fun” too! Just leave a comment and tell us what your goals are for the month, then come back each Thursday to report on your progress.

I’ve got some great guest blogs lined up, so stay tuned each day for something new…

Not Complaining, But Disappointed…

November 29, 2008 on 5:39 pm | In Life | 3 Comments

…in the response so far on Amazon to the Maiden Flight freebie. Since the book was given away free for the Kindle, there have been about 3 reviews entered on Amazon and all three are very negative. Why? The only thing I can figure is that the people in question grabbed a freebie without knowing it was EROTIC romance. All three complaints share the common theme that the book was “porn.”

*sigh*

I know hundreds, if not thousands of people downloaded the book for free but so far only those three unhappy people have stepped forward to offer their opinions. I’m glad they did, though I wish they could have confined themselves to opinion instead of giving away details of the plot. (Hello? Spoilers?) But I know for a fact that this book sells well and it has always done well with professional reviewers. The print version scored a 4 at Romantic Times (they only go as high as 4.5 for a special few books each month, so 4 is basically as high as you can get without being singled out as a “top pick”).

So I’m back to my worries over the cover. I know the cover doesn’t exactly shout “erotic romance” and one of my ongoing fears with my dragon covers especially, is that some kid is going to pick it up thinking it’s a fantasy/adventure tale – which it is – but be shocked to hell and back by the erotic content. :O

If I had to guess – and at this point, that’s all I can do – I’d say these people on Amazon picked up the book because it was free. They didn’t really choose it. They may or may not have realized it was erotic romance – though if you read the blurb, it should be pretty clear it’s a menage story. They may or may not have ever even read an erotic romance before and my little book shocked the bejeezus out of some of them.

Not my intention. I wrote this book for adults who enjoy erotic romance and I know there are lots of us out there. The market for erotic romance is huge but if someone doesn’t like it – like anything – they can choose not to read it. Whatever floats your boat. BUT, I think it’s kind of rotten to get something for free, not even bothering to check if it’s something you’d object to on principle, then trash it because it’s not your cup of tea.

As a writer, I value the reviews from people who know the genre much more than the folks who’ve never read a book like mine before. Those are the reviews I can really learn from. I value the opinion of how my book stacks up against books like it. If you’ve never read an erotic romance before and dislike the entire concept, then in what way is that opinion valuable to me or to anyone who might want to buy the book in future? It’s not.

Now, if you want to issue a “warning,” by all means, go right ahead. Although I have to believe that anyone who reads the blurb – which is something I always do before spending my money on a book – will realize right away that it’s a menage and therefore something outside the norm.

It’s just very disappointing to have this so-called “promotion” work out like this. Only the unhappy people have responded on Amazon, while many very happy new readers have emailed me privately to say they enjoyed the book and have bought more of my books. Why do the cranky people always feel the need to complain loudest while the happy people keep their mouths shut? *even bigger sigh*

Right now I’m disheartened by the public response on Amazon. I can only hope the silent, happy folks are the majority and that my pet theory will be proven in higher sales for the subsequent books in the series. Thanks to those of you who have offered public opinions on my books. It’s much appreciated – especially from people who know and like the genre as a whole.

Life

May 20, 2008 on 9:00 am | In Life | No Comments

It’s been an interesting few weeks. I’m sure you realize that writers don’t usually get out much, so the yearly party that is the Romantic Times Convention is something a lot of us gear up for all year. It’s a whirlwind week of craziness when all those carefully laid plans either come to fruition or fail miserably.

I’m happy to say that most of my plans – for shipping/carrying promotional items, travel, hotel arrangements, etc – did rather well. All it all, I think it was a successful conference, but now I look at my calendar and realize it was a month ago and wonder “What have I done with my time since?”

Recovering from the conference is always tough. Like I said, we writers don’t get out much. But this has been worse than usual. Why? I think being on a book deadline has had a lot to do with it. But the good news is that the first draft of the book is done and will be polished and in my editors hands sometime in the next few days.

The other reason is part of the season itself. I’ve been enjoying Spring in my garden, Spring cleaning my house and doing a few signings here and there, which has been a lot of fun, but I don’t really have my “nose to the grindstone” the way I do during Winter months. I’ve also been dragging my feet to accomplish some goals I’ve set for myself, including submitting partials to a few places and earnestly searching for an agent.

But all that is over! You hear me? Over! This is my self-pep talk. Today I’m going to work on those submissions and hopefully grind one out. I’m also going to polish that book and get it fit for my editor. So no more playing around here. I’ll see you all later! Now it’s back to work.