Portrait of Mom, circa 1960. She was always so beautiful and brilliant too. Mom was a lawyer.

Today is my Mom’s birthday. Though her age was a military secret around here, I will say that she was in her 70’s. Much too young to die. I fully expected another decade at least with my dear Mom, who was my best and truest friend. We did everything together. And now I’m very much alone.

So now I think you’ll understand why I’ve been least in sight lately. June is a month chock full of family birthdays and special occasions. When I was  younger, we ate lots and lots of cake in June. Now, I sit around lamenting the fact that my Dad and I have nobody to share these special days with.

I won’t spend a lot of time bringing you down here. I know I’ve done that enough over the past few months. I just want you to take a moment, if you’re so inclined, to remember my Mom today. Say a prayer or think a happy thought for her. And for me, if you can spare it. I could really use it. It feels like I miss her more every day.

Happy Birthday, Mom. I love you… and I really, really miss you.

When I was in my 20’s I was a very serious martial arts student. My teacher, who had earned the title Shihan, was so highly ranked in his form of martial arts that he had to travel to Japan to be tested for his next ranking because there weren’t enough people of sufficiently higher rank in the U.S. to be able to test him. The dude was serious. He looked sorta like an old beach bum – longish, streaky blonde hair, a Buddha shaped body that wasn’t fat, but if you didn’t know how much power the man packed, you might assume him to have the beginnings of a beer belly. He was a walking, talking example of why you shouldn’t always judge a book by its cover.

This guy made a huge impression on my young life. I was a pet project of his. I was going to be his next female black belt. There weren’t many women in this dojo. It was mostly cops and ex-military types. Shihan trained police departments in hand-to-hand combat methods as a sideline. I think I was one of maybe 4 women in the entire dojo and one of only 2 who was ranked high enough – and was gung-ho enough – to train with the more advanced guys.

Shihan was a Buddhist. He made us meditate after every 2.5-hour class. It was an eye opening time for me and I find myself using bits of this experience in my writings to this day. As an example, the layout of the dojo in my paranormal shapeshifter romance, CAT’S CRADLE, is based on the dojo I studied in. Some of the things I learned in that dojo were also used in DRAGON STORM, which delves more deeply into the culture of Tibet and the various forms of Buddhism.

Without doubt, I call on my fight training and the actual sparring I once did with a bunch of big, hard, sweaty guys… whoa… sorry… got off track there for a moment. As I was saying, I use that experience in every hand-to-hand fight scene I write.

I also try to remember that discipline now, as I battle depression and grief over the huge hole the loss of my beloved Mom, my best friend, has left in my life. It’s funny how something I did so long ago has had such lingering effects on my life to this day. To be brutally honest, I wound up in that dojo because this guy I was dating studied there. Without him as the lure, I doubt I would’ve even tried to compete on that level. Though he ended up breaking my heart, I still owe that bum a lot, though he’ll never know it. He got me to that dojo and that teacher. He caused me to be in the place where I learned lessons I call on to this day.

Crazy, huh? It’s these little twists of fate that make life interesting, don’t you think?

Then the UPS man delivered a box. An unexpected box of books. My newest release.

Mom always took such delight in every little success, each new arrival of books. Now, I just throw them on the pile. My Dad could care less. Oh, he tries to sound enthusiastic, but he’s never been a demonstrative man. I’m sure on some level he’s proud of me, but he’s very low key. So there’s nobody to celebrate the little victories in life with anymore. I feel so very alone.

And yet, I can only imagine the pain of losing the love of your life. Your partner of 55+ years. If you count the time they dated, they’ve known each other almost 60 years. It’s unfathomable. I can only sympathize with him and try to understand.

Sorry for being so depressing. It’s why I haven’t been blogging. I find it hard to be upbeat, and I’m sure it’s hard on everyone to post the truth of how I’m feeling too often. So for right now, just give me some more time to get my feet back under me. I’m sadder than I’ve ever been in my life and now I’m having some health concerns of my own. Wish me luck and if you believe in the power of prayer and positive thinking, please send some of those good vibes my way. Couldn’t hurt, right? Thank you all for putting up with me. I hope to have more news to post about my books soon. In the meantime, thanks for your continued support and indulgence.

Happy Anniversary, Mom and Dad.

The next day, I got to be on a panel with Rebecca York. I’ve been reading her work for years, so this was quite a treat for me. She was gracious and had some very interesting things to say about the topic of the panel – paranormal worldbuilding. It sounded as if she and I did a lot of our worldbuilding in a similar manner. Cool, huh?

The Vampire Ball was spent, once again, with Stella Price, Elizabeth Darvill, Ash Arcineaux and a bunch of other great people. Jimmy from Samhain is a super fun guy and it was great to see all my friends from Samhain again. I also had a great dinner with my editor from Kensington and we got to know each other better, which is good. It’s strange when you work with someone by email, you don’t always have a clear picture of who they are. She and I had met a few times before, but it was really good to be able to chat about anything and everything over a delicious Italian meal.

I also got to see one of my childhood friends on the way home from RT. We stopped to have dinner at her place in Ohio – the first time I’d ever been to her new house. It was really great to finally see her place and see her kids, who have grown like weeds since I last saw them. Now I’m back in NY and trying to recharge. It was good to get away but all my sadness and troubles were still waiting for me back home, so it’s slow going. It’s good to have work to do and readers who appreciate it. Without you guys, my life would be even harder right now, which is difficult – and scary – to conceive of. Thank goodness for work and people who want to read my books. Without them, I would be lost. So thanks, everyone. You’re giving me reason and strength to go on with this thing I call a life. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

As far as what I’ve been up to… I finished writing A DARKER SHADE OF DEAD on March 15th and handed it in to my editor at Kensington. Since then, I’ve been working on ideas for the next and possibly final installment in the zombie series from Kensington Brava. I’ve also been working on edits for my next ebook release, WARRIOR’S HEART from Samhain Publishing and proofing the galley of DRAGON STORM, which I believe is coming out in September in print.

Lots going on. Plus, I spent last weekend at LunaCon in Rye, NY. It was awesome to hang out with so many great authors, including my friends Stella Price, Kayleigh Jamison and Michele Lang. Those ladies are so much fun!!!

I’ve also become addicted to the game Farmville on facebook. Oh boy. I resisted playing anything on facebook for SO long. And now, in about a week, I’ve become completely addicted. Of course, I know how I am with these things. I’ll probably play until I’ve mastered everything (or become completely bored with it) and then ease off. I have sort of a short attention span once I’ve learned how something works. But I enjoy building my farm and decorating it.

Right now, I have a section on the left hand side of the grid that I’m calling “Mom’s House.” She loved lavender and Provence. She was born in the Netherlands, but our ancestry comes from England, Belgium and France, among other places. French was her second language after Dutch. English was probably her fourth or fifth language. Maybe sixth. She was a very intelligent woman who had traveled the world by her teens. So when I saw the French house “La Maison” and the barn and shed to match, I liked it immediately. I’m decorating it sort of the way my Mom had set up her dream house.

She was lucky enough to have bought her dream house in the Amish country of Pennsylvania a few years ago and we spent a lot of time creating a gorgeous garden there, together. I’d promised her a fountain, which we never got around to installing, but I’ve got a nice virtual fountain in “her” garden in Farmville now. LOL. I suppose this is sort of therapeutic. I always liked doing things for her. This way, I still can, if only in my mind. It’s weird, I know, but I like it. For now. I also put the so-called Dutch Windmill behind “her” barn. It’s not exactly the style I consider a Dutch windmill. This one looks more Spanish in style to me, but from time to time the blades rotate and it’s kind of pretty. Now I need some more tulips – though Mom wasn’t too keen on them because they wilt so fast when cut. LOL.

So that’s what I’ve been up to. Wasting time on facebook and missing Mom. Editing and proofing. Thinking about my next book. I should be writing, but I haven’t found the motivation to get started just yet. I usually take a week or two off after I finish a project, so this isn’t completely abnormal. I’ll try to blog more often. Really, I will!