biancadarc.com Blog

Not So Happy Day

Portrait of Mom, circa 1960. She was always so beautiful and brilliant too. Mom was a lawyer.

Today is my Mom’s birthday. Though her age was a military secret around here, I will say that she was in her 70′s. Much too young to die. I fully expected another decade at least with my dear Mom, who was my best and truest friend. We did everything together. And now I’m very much alone.

So now I think you’ll understand why I’ve been least in sight lately. June is a month chock full of family birthdays and special occasions. When I was  younger, we ate lots and lots of cake in June. Now, I sit around lamenting the fact that my Dad and I have nobody to share these special days with.

I won’t spend a lot of time bringing you down here. I know I’ve done that enough over the past few months. I just want you to take a moment, if you’re so inclined, to remember my Mom today. Say a prayer or think a happy thought for her. And for me, if you can spare it. I could really use it. It feels like I miss her more every day.

Happy Birthday, Mom. I love you… and I really, really miss you.

Inspiration Out of Desperation

Good Saturday to you, everyone! I’ve been thinking a lot lately about my raison d’etre… Why am I here? What is my purpose? All those big issues that come into question when there are major changes in your life. Today, I’m trying to put all that on hold and just trying to live one moment at a time and making it the best moment I can. Such a simple concept, so hard to do. I find myself drawing on my early experiences with the martial arts to accomplish this… and so much more…

When I was in my 20’s I was a very serious martial arts student. My teacher, who had earned the title Shihan, was so highly ranked in his form of martial arts that he had to travel to Japan to be tested for his next ranking because there weren’t enough people of sufficiently higher rank in the U.S. to be able to test him. The dude was serious. He looked sorta like an old beach bum – longish, streaky blonde hair, a Buddha shaped body that wasn’t fat, but if you didn’t know how much power the man packed, you might assume him to have the beginnings of a beer belly. He was a walking, talking example of why you shouldn’t always judge a book by its cover.

This guy made a huge impression on my young life. I was a pet project of his. I was going to be his next female black belt. There weren’t many women in this dojo. It was mostly cops and ex-military types. Shihan trained police departments in hand-to-hand combat methods as a sideline. I think I was one of maybe 4 women in the entire dojo and one of only 2 who was ranked high enough – and was gung-ho enough – to train with the more advanced guys.

Shihan was a Buddhist. He made us meditate after every 2.5-hour class. It was an eye opening time for me and I find myself using bits of this experience in my writings to this day. As an example, the layout of the dojo in my paranormal shapeshifter romance, CAT’S CRADLE, is based on the dojo I studied in. Some of the things I learned in that dojo were also used in DRAGON STORM, which delves more deeply into the culture of Tibet and the various forms of Buddhism.

Without doubt, I call on my fight training and the actual sparring I once did with a bunch of big, hard, sweaty guys… whoa… sorry… got off track there for a moment. As I was saying, I use that experience in every hand-to-hand fight scene I write.

I also try to remember that discipline now, as I battle depression and grief over the huge hole the loss of my beloved Mom, my best friend, has left in my life. It’s funny how something I did so long ago has had such lingering effects on my life to this day. To be brutally honest, I wound up in that dojo because this guy I was dating studied there. Without him as the lure, I doubt I would’ve even tried to compete on that level. Though he ended up breaking my heart, I still owe that bum a lot, though he’ll never know it. He got me to that dojo and that teacher. He caused me to be in the place where I learned lessons I call on to this day.

Crazy, huh? It’s these little twists of fate that make life interesting, don’t you think?

A Bittersweet Day

Today would have been my parents 55th wedding anniversary. I’ve spent all day trying to avoid reminding my Dad what day it is. Neither of us have mentioned it. I think it’d be less painful for him to not remember. I know the date has weighed on my mind all day. We both miss my Mom – her laughter, her joy in living, her adventurous spirit – and it only seems to get worse, not better.

Then the UPS man delivered a box. An unexpected box of books. My newest release.

Mom always took such delight in every little success, each new arrival of books. Now, I just throw them on the pile. My Dad could care less. Oh, he tries to sound enthusiastic, but he’s never been a demonstrative man. I’m sure on some level he’s proud of me, but he’s very low key. So there’s nobody to celebrate the little victories in life with anymore. I feel so very alone.

And yet, I can only imagine the pain of losing the love of your life. Your partner of 55+ years. If you count the time they dated, they’ve known each other almost 60 years. It’s unfathomable. I can only sympathize with him and try to understand.

Sorry for being so depressing. It’s why I haven’t been blogging. I find it hard to be upbeat, and I’m sure it’s hard on everyone to post the truth of how I’m feeling too often. So for right now, just give me some more time to get my feet back under me. I’m sadder than I’ve ever been in my life and now I’m having some health concerns of my own. Wish me luck and if you believe in the power of prayer and positive thinking, please send some of those good vibes my way. Couldn’t hurt, right? Thank you all for putting up with me. I hope to have more news to post about my books soon. In the meantime, thanks for your continued support and indulgence.

Happy Anniversary, Mom and Dad.

More RT Fun

I’ve been thinking about last week and there were some definite high points that I should share. The Fairy Ball was fun – especially when Angela Knight and her husband sat down at our table. I’m a long-time fan of her work and it was very cool to have her at our table. Her husband is really nice and she is very sweet.

The next day, I got to be on a panel with Rebecca York. I’ve been reading her work for years, so this was quite a treat for me. She was gracious and had some very interesting things to say about the topic of the panel – paranormal worldbuilding. It sounded as if she and I did a lot of our worldbuilding in a similar manner. Cool, huh?

The Vampire Ball was spent, once again, with Stella Price, Elizabeth Darvill, Ash Arcineaux and a bunch of other great people. Jimmy from Samhain is a super fun guy and it was great to see all my friends from Samhain again. I also had a great dinner with my editor from Kensington and we got to know each other better, which is good. It’s strange when you work with someone by email, you don’t always have a clear picture of who they are. She and I had met a few times before, but it was really good to be able to chat about anything and everything over a delicious Italian meal.

I also got to see one of my childhood friends on the way home from RT. We stopped to have dinner at her place in Ohio – the first time I’d ever been to her new house. It was really great to finally see her place and see her kids, who have grown like weeds since I last saw them. Now I’m back in NY and trying to recharge. It was good to get away but all my sadness and troubles were still waiting for me back home, so it’s slow going. It’s good to have work to do and readers who appreciate it. Without you guys, my life would be even harder right now, which is difficult – and scary – to conceive of. Thank goodness for work and people who want to read my books. Without them, I would be lost. So thanks, everyone. You’re giving me reason and strength to go on with this thing I call a life. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

What I’ve Been Up To Lately

I have been very remiss about blogging lately. I’m sorry. At least I set up funny kitty pics to post automatically every Friday for the next few months. That’s something, at least.

As far as what I’ve been up to… I finished writing A DARKER SHADE OF DEAD on March 15th and handed it in to my editor at Kensington. Since then, I’ve been working on ideas for the next and possibly final installment in the zombie series from Kensington Brava. I’ve also been working on edits for my next ebook release, WARRIOR’S HEART from Samhain Publishing and proofing the galley of DRAGON STORM, which I believe is coming out in September in print.

Lots going on. Plus, I spent last weekend at LunaCon in Rye, NY. It was awesome to hang out with so many great authors, including my friends Stella Price, Kayleigh Jamison and Michele Lang. Those ladies are so much fun!!!

I’ve also become addicted to the game Farmville on facebook. Oh boy. I resisted playing anything on facebook for SO long. And now, in about a week, I’ve become completely addicted. Of course, I know how I am with these things. I’ll probably play until I’ve mastered everything (or become completely bored with it) and then ease off. I have sort of a short attention span once I’ve learned how something works. But I enjoy building my farm and decorating it.

Right now, I have a section on the left hand side of the grid that I’m calling “Mom’s House.” She loved lavender and Provence. She was born in the Netherlands, but our ancestry comes from England, Belgium and France, among other places. French was her second language after Dutch. English was probably her fourth or fifth language. Maybe sixth. She was a very intelligent woman who had traveled the world by her teens. So when I saw the French house “La Maison” and the barn and shed to match, I liked it immediately. I’m decorating it sort of the way my Mom had set up her dream house.

She was lucky enough to have bought her dream house in the Amish country of Pennsylvania a few years ago and we spent a lot of time creating a gorgeous garden there, together. I’d promised her a fountain, which we never got around to installing, but I’ve got a nice virtual fountain in “her” garden in Farmville now. LOL. I suppose this is sort of therapeutic. I always liked doing things for her. This way, I still can, if only in my mind. It’s weird, I know, but I like it. For now. I also put the so-called Dutch Windmill behind “her” barn. It’s not exactly the style I consider a Dutch windmill. This one looks more Spanish in style to me, but from time to time the blades rotate and it’s kind of pretty. Now I need some more tulips – though Mom wasn’t too keen on them because they wilt so fast when cut. LOL.

So that’s what I’ve been up to. Wasting time on facebook and missing Mom. Editing and proofing. Thinking about my next book. I should be writing, but I haven’t found the motivation to get started just yet. I usually take a week or two off after I finish a project, so this isn’t completely abnormal. I’ll try to blog more often. Really, I will!

Vision Boards

A vision board is a new name for an old concept. Back when I was a teenager, two creative friends of mine gave me one of the most beautiful gifts I have ever received. They bought a cheap poster frame and filled it with a collage of images and words cut out of magazines. Things they knew I liked and that they thought represented me. It was so beautiful. So thoughtful. They’d put a lot of time and thought into making that thing and I loved it! I still have it, in fact.

So when I first heard about the concept of a vision board, at first I was wondering what it could be about. In reality, it’s the same kind of thing – only you cut out images of things you want in your life. Images that appeal to you. Images and words that represent people, places, things and feelings you want to come into  your life. The idea from there is the same – collage the images and words into a picture that you can put somewhere you will see it every day. By keeping these things you want in your mind every day, you will be able to bring them into your life.

Life coaches use this tool and it’s something that can be very helpful. What I’ve done is take it into the technological age. Instead of buying a bunch of magazines and going crazy with scissors and glue, I made myself an electronic collage of images I pulled from the internet. Then I set the image collage as the background on my computer desktop. I look at that all day long, so it’s a good place to keep those images and concepts fresh in my mind during the day.

If you’re not good with collages, why not try just right-clicking on an image and setting it as your background whenever you want. You can change the desktop all the time as different images catch your eye. It’s worth a try, so have fun and enjoy!

With any luck, we’ll all be able to attract the good things we want in our lives.

Dark Places

I came across a quote that I found beautiful:

“When it’s dark enough, you can see the stars.”

Well, it’s plenty dark in my world of late, but so far I haven’t seen many stars. I’ll keep looking. Problem is, I’m stuck in such a dark place of grief and unhappiness, I forget to look up.

New Year

All in all, 2009 was a good year… at least at first. I got my first “NY” contract for the zombie series, the first book of which was just released (HALF PAST DEAD). Getting that contract was a milestone and I’m so thankful that my Mom was there through every exciting turn of that time in April/May when it was all coming together.

I’m also thankful for the incredible cross-country trip I took with my Mom and Dad in June. She loved road trips and seeing the country with her was so incredibly special. SHE was incredibly special. Definitely a one-in-a-million person that I will always miss.

Which brings us to the latter part of 2009, which absolutely sucked. My Mom discovered something was wrong in late August/early September. The doctors dithered for about a month before giving her the diagnosis of cancer in early October. From there it was all downhill until she passed away on December 23rd from a hospital infection.

I never even contemplated planning her funeral or figuring out what she was going to wear for eternity. This has, without doubt, been the worst time in my life. My beloved Mom – my best friend – has been gone a little over a week now and I don’t know how I’ll ever get used to it.

All I can hope is that 2010 is better. With any luck, my Dad and I will find a new path for our lives. I’ll also be watching the sales numbers of my first NY books closely to see if they’re doing well. Future contracts are riding on the success of these books, so sales on them are a lot more “important” than normal, if I can say it that way.

I hope we all have a healthy, happier 2010. I can’t thank you all enough for the support you’ve given me over the past three months. It really helped me feel less alone and got me through a lot of really tough times. Thanks for being there for me. I hope I can repay the kindness someday and know that you all continue to be in my prayers.

Happy New Year.

Tears From Heaven

My Mom was buried today at a National Cemetary here on Long Island. I think it was appropriate because my Mom was a POW in WWII as a child in Indonesia (she was born in the Netherlands) and her family has always been very involved in the military. My Dad is a WWII veteran and he was entitled to the plot there because of his service. Someday — far in the future, I pray – he can join her there.

It rained. My Mom loved rain, so it was completely appropriate. I wore Mom’s gorgeous black mink coat, as I knew she’d want me to do. We always shared things and she had let me wear the coat many times before, so I knew she wouldn’t mind. In fact, she’d have liked that my Dad and I made a good showing, so to speak. To do her proud. I think we did that and I also think Mom asked God to hold off on the rain while we were outside at the cemetary so her beautiful coat wouldn’t be ruined.

Because as soon as we got back on the highway, the heavens opened up and it rained. Tears from Heaven to echo the tears I’ve been shedding for the past days since she left us.

About three weeks before we realized anything was wrong, my Mom had a sort of vision. She was resting on the couch in the living room, sort of half-awake and half-asleep when she saw her mother and father, her recently deceased brother, who was her best friend since they were about 3 years old, and her uncle, who thought of her as a daughter. They didn’t speak, but they communicated a thought to her. They said “We’ll take care of you.”

Three weeks later, we were in the Emergency Room. Three months later, she’s with them in Heaven.

We had hope, throughout this all-too-short ordeal, that “her angels” as we referred to them, would see her through the illness and help her recover. Now, of course, we know they meant something else.

It’s beautiful to think that she and my uncle are reunited. They were so close in life, she was devastated when he died last year. She named my brother after him and to this day, when the phone rings after midnight, I always think it’s got to be one or the other of them. Then I take a step back and realize it can only be my brother now and I feel a little pang, missing my uncle. He was as special as she was.

I will miss her the rest of my days but I hope and pray that she’s with me, watching over me as she always did. Since she got sick, I told her the one thing I missed the most was that we couldn’t talk as we had before. My Mom was a talker. She always had such great advice for me and for everyone she met. Never pushy, but always wise, she helped so many people from her friends to the students she counseled for so many years as an educator and law professor. She was so beautiful. I know it’s cliche, but my Mom was really, truly beautiful. When she was younger, so many people said she looked like Grace Kelly. Blonde, blue eyed, with high cheekbones and a beautiful smile, she was never vain. She liked to look nice, but she wasn’t shallow. She had a depth to her and an intelligence that just wouldn’t quit. How many women of her generation would go back to law school in their 50′s and drag their daughters with them? Mine did. I would never have gone to law school or achieved any of the things I’ve achieved without her guidance.

When I wanted to quit my big money job and write, I asked her advice. I expected her to say, “What? Are you kidding? You went to school for so long and now you’re going to chuck it all to write? Get real.” Instead, she surprised me by saying, “Write. Do what you love.” With that sage advice, I launched yet another new career path. (I’ve had probably 4-5 different “careers” at this point.)

She was so sick for too short a time but I missed her talking to me. I cried and cried because she was just so tired from the illness and treatment that she didn’t talk much at all except to worry and ask me if I was worried. We were together all day, every day while she was home and when she was in the hospital, I spent 14-17 hours a day with her, but it wasn’t enough. When she was stuck there alone at night, she asked for me. When she was on the ventilator in ICU where they wouldn’t let me stay at night, I would find notes that she’d written to the nurses asking them to call me or get me, that she needed me. It broke my heart. We were so close. We were best friends and when I needed her, she was always there. I like to think that when she needed me, I was there for her too.

Rest in peace, Mom. I love you more than I can say.

Update on Life… and Death

Prepare to be depressed. (If you don’t want to be depressed, just skip this blog for now, k?)

My Mom is dying of lung cancer. Yesterday, I was finally told she’s terminal and may have a few months – at most. I am not handling it well, as one might expect. My Mom is my best friend and always has been. I have no idea how to live without her. To give you some idea – we went to law school together. She was actually a year ahead of me. When I graduated, they allowed her to award me my degree onstage at Avery Fisher Hall in New York City.

She’s at a local hospital for the moment and I’m working on getting a second opinion at Sloan Kettering Cancer Center. After that? Who knows. It’s in God’s hands.

So as you can imagine, I won’t be around much. My books are the last things on my mind right now. My readers are on my mind and I want you all to know how much I appreciate the prayers, good thoughts and healing vibes being sent our way. Keep ‘em coming. My Mom and I believe very strongly in the power of prayer, so please say a prayer for my Mom, Sophia, if you’re so inclined.

Thank you and I’ll try to keep you posted once in a while. If you have any ideas for me, please pass them along. I’ll be around a little, but probably not interacting much until and unless things settle down a bit. Wish us luck… and pray for a miracle.