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Happy Moment Turned Sad

November 11, 2009 on 12:40 pm | In Life | 5 Comments

I had something terrible happen today. Well… it was actually supposed to be something fantastic, but given the circumstances in my life at the moment, it’s terrible.

My first-ever NY published book came in the mail. I got to hold HALF PAST DEAD in my hands. Not the ARCs. The real book.

As the visiting nurse was leaving, she and I found the box on the doorstep. I opened the box and what should’ve been a celebratory moment in my life turned into one of extreme sadness. I cried. Not happily. When I should’ve been happy dancing, I was instead thinking of all the plans I’d had to celebrate my first “real” book – one that didn’t come out in ebook first. Plans that may never see fruition now that my Mom is so ill.

She has stage 4 lung cancer. She is a non-smoker so we have no idea how this happened to her. She is on chemo and I can’t be sure that her scary condition now – not eating, sleeping all the time, muscle aches all over and needing a walker and an oxygen line just to get to the bathroom - is only the side effects of chemo, or if she’s going downhill fast from the cancer. Please, God, let it just be the chemo.

(I detailed the journey we’ve taken to get to this point in my most recent newsletter, if you’re interested in how I got here.)

I told Mom that I’d wanted to celebrate my book with a celebratory dinner out, but of course that’s out of the question right now. I told her I wanted a rain check. When she’s better, I want to take her to that dinner and celebrate. I just hope and pray that God lets us get to that point. Please pray if you’re so inclined. Thanks.

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I have been following your posts concerning your mom’s illness and have felt great sadness for you. I have never lost anyone that close to me so I cannot truly know how you are feeling. Your post today compels me to reply.

This is a joyous time for you with your first print book, celebrate with your mom. Maybe you can’t celebrate the way you planned, but celebrate in some way. While there is always hope, should the worst happen you will treasure that moment that your mom was there to celebrate this special time with you.

While things suck right now and most days aren’t the best, celebrate every little happy time there are now so that later you can look back on those moments and not just the great sadness of the time.

Comment by Tina S. — November 11, 2009 #
I’ve been follwing your posts too for a while and I can relate to everything you say. But I have to agree with Tina S. My grandfather (who was like my own father for me) died of cancer when he was 64 – we lost him 3 weeks after the diagnose – he didn’t even have the chance for chemo because the cancer was too agressive. Like you, I told myself to wait with things until he was back up on his feet (at the time, I hoped against better knowledge that he would be okay) – but the last time I saw him in hospital concious, I told him everything I always wanted to tell him. And today I am glad I did. The next day, he fell into a coma and never came out of it before he finally died. So enjoy every moment you have with your mom, celebrate everything you have to celebrate, no matter how small it is. This way, you will not regret that you didn’t.

Comment by Severine P. — November 12, 2009 #
Bianca, I have to agree. Celebrate in whatever small way you can. As always, my thoughts and prayers are with you all.

Comment by Suzette — November 12, 2009 #
Well, I sort of “celebrated” by seeing the only friend I have left from high school. She now lives far away and comes to town a few times a year. We usually try to have dinner or something. This time, she came to visit my Mom and we talked for an hour or two. It was really helpful. I also finally cracked and told her my pen name and gave her the first copy of HPD. It’s not her usual reading material, but I hope she’ll enjoy a walk on the wild side.

Right now Mom is very sick. I think she has a stomach virus (since I woke up with it today). I think she caught it from one of the nurses who had to take a day off last week, but was back the next day. It’s one thing for a healthy person to battle a stomach virus, but for someone on chemo, this could be fatal. She hasn’t eaten in 4 days and doesn’t drink much. She also hasn’t moved out of her recliner and is pretty much out of it. This is the worst thing ever – having to watch someone you love more than life itself wasting away before your eyes. Please pray. Thanks.

Comment by Bianca D'Arc — November 14, 2009 #
*hugs you so tight* Sweetheart, I’ll drink a glass of wine with you from here in celebration of your first NY release. And Pray with everything in me.

Comment by Dawn Montgomery — November 19, 2009 #