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And the Wheel Turns…

Happy Halloween. Blessed Samhain. Happy New Year and all that good stuff. As I write this, it is approaching midnight here on the East Coast of the United States. Another year cycle coming to an end, and the Wheel turns.

My personal belief system is complex and many faceted. I have a great deal of respect for the traditions of the past and I think there’s a lot our modern religions owe to those that came before. I like the idea of the Wheel of the year with the various parts watched over by the three aspects of the goddess – Maiden, Mother and Crone. We’re passing out of the Mother’s influence as harvest comes to an end and Winter begins – the time of the Crone. But then it won’t be long before the Maiden shows her sunny face in the Spring. My favorite time of year.

I usually enjoy Halloween, but this year, as you may know, I’m dealing with family tragedy in the making. My Mom fell ill at the end of August and by the end of September, we were told it was an advanced stage of lung cancer. She’s not a smoker, and usually very active, so this took us by surprise to say the least. It’s been a shock and a time of turmoil for my Dad and me. He’s eight years older than she is, so we always just assumed that if/when they were to die, he’d go first. Now it looks like that may not be the case and he and I are both lost. Confused, grieving in anticipation of something we don’t know how to deal with and completely lost as we try to look after her.

She’s going through chemotherapy now and I’m having a difficult time dealing with the side effects. She’s not eating and I take it as a personal failure on my part. I’m not a good cook. I’ve never been “domestic.” I was the youngest of her two children (my brother is not involved with the family much and lives 3000 miles away). I never took care of anyone. I never even babysat. I’m single and have no children. So being on call 24/7 as her personal helper is something I’m ill prepared for, but cannot deny her. She’s my Mom. I’d walk through fire for her.

So I’m cooking, cleaning, have remodled part of my house to make a bedroom for her and basically being her cheerleader, coach, nurse, dietician, and all around Gal Friday. And doing my best not to lose it every few minutes. First, I’m scared. More afraid than I’ve ever been in my life. I can’t lose her. I’m not ready. She’s not ready. She has so much to live for. So much to enjoy in life. It’s not fair. Second, I’m ill prepared for the roles I’ve been forced into and feeling incredibly inadequate and guilty for things like her weight loss. If only I could find a way to make her eat more! If only I could cook something she’d actually eat. If only… If only… If only…

One of the worst side effects she’s experiencing is weakness in her muscles that makes it incredibly difficult to walk. She’s using a walker, but it’s pitiful to watch. She shakes so much in fear she’s going to fall and weakness in her leg. I want to cry but I also know she has to keep moving or she won’t be able to. Then I beging to second guess everything – is it a sign of deterioriation? Or is it just a side effect that will end when the chemo has done its job? Am I going to lose her even sooner? I’m so scared. I want to cry but I can’t really cry in front of her. Then I do and I feel guilty for letting her see me blubber and break down. It only makes things worse.

My plate is full. My mind races in a million directions and I can’t take much more. If you believe in such things, please say a prayer for my Mom. I’d like to think that the chemo is working and she’ll be with me for at least a few years to come. But I just don’t know. No one can say. Please pray for that outcome. I need her. I need her wisdom as I try to reassemble the broken pieces of my life. I can’t do it without her and I pray that I won’t have to. Just a little more time. A few more years. I need my Mom with me. Please.

So at this auspicious time – the turning of the year – the Eve of All Hallows and the beginning of the Feast of All Saints – that’s my dearest wish, my fondest desire, my most fervent prayer. If the lines between the realms are indeed blurred tonight, perhaps my prayer will be heard and answered.